Monday, April 18, 2005

Bottom of the wheel

I have been depressed for the past few weeks because of the events that had happened to me that turn my life upside down. I'm having hard time to accept things as they are. Needless to say that I am in a new place and a new environment that I used to blend and handle well in the past. I refuse to accept change and I deny that time is really changing.

Way back in Manila, I am perfectly still and loving every second of the day even if I just have to stay home all day and just read books that I usually borrowed from a friend. Everything for me seemed so normal even if I don't have to work cause I do have some savings from the previous job that I had. I even don't have to worry if I have something left to eat for the next couple of days to come. I am contended. I am happy. I am in love.

Like every story, like every events, and like everyone else, comes a twist. It usually happens when you don't expect it the most. When you are vulnerable and seemed so relax. It catches you off guard. It makes you think. It makes you crazy. And I hate it.

Right now I can't say that whatever I'm doing to cope up with it helps. I can't say that I'll be able to survive this. But I am holding on. I refuse to give up. It's so damn hard hard and it hurts me even more. The more I try to accept and fight it, the harder it gets. Oh help me God.

If things get worst, I pray that I will still be able to stand with my own two feet. Should I fall and shattered into dust, I don't expect that someone would pick me up but I just hope that I'll be able to rise above it all.

Thank you for calling me last night. I really had a great time talking with you. I love you even more. Thanks for loving me back.

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